Rarely do we receive preparation as we go into the phase of our lives that includes dating and forming what is called “romantic partnerships”. Most of us feel as if we must throw ourselves into something extremely explosive and electric without the first clue of what it is about or what will happen to us. Although these experiences are highly charged, knowledge and wisdom can assist us to make these connections more enjoyable and rewarding.
Since we are kicking off this blog about love and relationships, let me address a rather broad question that I often get.
Why is it that when I begin a relationship, things are exhilarating and go amazingly well. Starting out, I’m in love with him, and he’s in love with me. In a few months, though, everything seems to have lost its magic. He doesn’t call, and I always think I am losing the guy and end up trying to win him back. It never seems to work out, and I feel more and more like a failure. Now I’m almost afraid to try again. I’m tired of having a broken heart.
One of the things that soon becomes evident for many of us is that as we amass more dating experiences, we tend to get similar outcomes in our relationships, no matter how many partners we have. Why is this? It isn’t because the universe is conspiring against us, although at times it seems so. The truth of the matter is that we literally are manifesting our own reality because of unconscious programming and beliefs that have long lost their usefulness. How can we change these?
1. Of course therapy is always a good option. How we are in relationships is primarily based upon unconscious factors such as; how we saw and interpreted these kinds of relationships in our family as a child, traumatic experiences that somehow have become associated with this part of our emotional functioning, and our own unconscious beliefs about ourselves (such as self-worth and self-confidence) as we relate to others. Maximum beneficial change comes from addressing these issues in a therapeutic setting with someone trained to assist us.
2. Another option that has the potential to immediately change the complexion of your relationships is to change something that you are habitually doing in this initial process of choosing a partner.
Even though we humans like to believe we are above ritualistic behavior, in this area of our lives we tend to be extremely repetitive. It is not uncommon for us to go to the same place in hopes of meeting someone essentially different. Often we unconsciously choose a potential partner that looks, acts and/or talks the same as our previous unsuccessful relationship partners. In other words, we continue the same behavior hoping that the outcome will be different! The common saying, “garbage in, garbage out” applies here. Do you continually gravitate to a certain kind of partner, perhaps one who is really looking for a short-term experience? Do you find yourself picking ones that have difficulty with intimacy (meaning closeness and being able to share themselves with a partner)? We have to ask ourselves, how can we expect to receive another outcome if we do not change the parameters of our equation?
Perhaps it is time to change things a bit and get to know other types of potential partners and/or explore other areas to meet them. To break their old, outdated rituals, many seekers of healthier relationships have asked friends to set them up with (safe!!) blind dates that aren’t like their “usual” partners. In these instances, you have fresh sets of eyes seeing you and your situation differently, helping you to break your old habitual behavior that is no longer useful.
Also important in this option is to equally let go of persistent expectations as to how the relationship should be. Allow yourself to enjoy time with one another, whether or not he or she meets your expectations of what makes a perfect partner for you. When successful at this, the universe conspires with you! Because you are letting go of the reins a bit, it can then begin to help you create what you really desire, rather than what you think will bring you what you want. Relaxing your beliefs about how something needs to “look” begins to challenge the unconscious position that has kept you stuck, allowing you to be different and explore yourself in fresh situations with others.
Remember that your expectations (especially unconscious fearful ones) call to you what you fear the most. The saying, “What you fear appears” is a real part of the essence of the Universal Law of Attraction. Often a small adjustment in either your behavior or expectations makes possible the internal change that can bring you closer to what you desire from your relationships.
